Feline Warrior

Errr… that is, Taylor Swift. She was the musical guest on SNL tonight. Her two performances were so frighteningly horrid that I was riveted. I couldn’t walk away, couldn’t look away.

I don’t know where to begin… She’s pretty enough - her face reminded me of Shirley Temple. If Shirley Temple had been famous as an 18-year old. But definitely not as talented as Shirley Temple.

Her band was SO enthusiastic that I can only believe that they are paid handsomely to behave that way. They leaped about as if the music was really rockin’ (which it definitely was not) and a few times did that thing guitarists and bassists do - kinda lean into each other, smiling, getting into the groove. Except… no groove in this case.

There was also a violinst who, in her shiny sassy skirt looked like she might have come from her audition for Arcade Fire (but alas, they wouldn’t have her). She did a fair share of low dips, overdone bow movements and excited jumping about.

All of that movement was just so unnecessary. An analogy… their enthusiasm was to this music what a meteoric explosion would be to lighting a cigarette. Waaaay too much.

I’ve saved the best for last. Taylor herself. My first thoughts: Wow, daddy must have some money; the blonde girl really (really, really) wanted to be a singer. (In her case, “singer.”) She is off-key. Her voice has no power. Did I mention she was off-key? She did peculiar little pointy-stabby things with her fingers (sort of like if Lewis Black was a tallish blonde girl attempting to punctuate the nonsensical lyrics of her poorly sung song).

Finally, she strummed that guitar -yes, the sparkly one- so intensely when she wasn’t singing, but then stopped when she was singing. And her left hand rarely moved, leading me to believe (no, it confirmed) that she can’t play the guitar either.

So the final verdict? Taylor Swift is pretty. But for a singer, a musical perfomer, she’s just horribly terribly awful. Make her stop. MAKE IT STOP!